2017

It had been 365 days staying in Germany,
looking back into the past,
it just like yesterday.
Still freshly remember,
the days I was fighting for examination,
getting through all the days learning German language intensively from morning till evening,
memorise every difficult gender, grammatic, listening and etc.
Finally, I slide through B1 Level and it seems like officially sufficient for meeting the requirements.
Non-stop working hard in the year of 2016,
After 3 months internship, the day flying abroad eventually getting closer,
It seems that is the very first steps touching the dream I waited for so long,
3 years hardship come trues.
I didn't have any homesick feeling either in the airport or boarding.
I saw my friends crying, but I just stay calm.
After 15 hours flight, I reached my destination.
Germany is a country, u feel the people are cold and distance,
The moment I reached is pretty cold,
Nearly 13-degree Celcius with shower rains.
Undeniable, the air quality is too much fresher and clearer compare to Malaysia.
The roads are cleans, the views passing by are just what we saw in pictures.
I am too excited despite my body feeling exhausted.
Carrying the heavy stones luggage reaching my hostel,
Totally amazing, clean and organised.
However, the moment I see the staircase I going to faint.
There is no lift in Germany house and yet I stay on 3rd floor. 
After finally settle my baggage,
We are again out for food, utensils, pillow etc.
It had been a week getting all the things needed and groceries.
When my family wonder am I suffering from Jetlag,
I will answer firmly, definitely no!!
I was too tired and my body exhausted after walking all the way.
Still, can't imagine I was taking my 40-litre backpack for groceries
I felt grateful to seniors and friends around,
inviting us to dinner for the first week,
prepare and cook for us.
Inviting us into a Malaysia UKM big family,
so we will never feel left out or lonely in the country thousands mile away.
Luck is never with me somehow,
Staying is a WG.
WG in a short form German word of Wohngemeinschaft, meaning a sharing apartment.
My room is pretty big, with a kitchen, bathroom and toilet.
Everything is just fine,
Initially, I staying with a Russian ladies,
the moment I reached she was heading to her holiday in Spain.
Left me alone, but is okay.
Just the cleaning problem, I have no idea how to clean it and I left it dirty.
The moment she back, she was truly angry.
And I felt first time being discriminate as Asian with limited German knowledge.
She can't stand my cooking with oil, everything she complains until one day we eventually fought.
After all, we both tolerate and finally she moves out in few months and I feel relieved.
At the moment, I strongly feel the importance of language,
If I can speak very good german, perhaps she will never bully me.
After that, I lived with a German girl and Syria girl.
Both are really good.
The German girl, Anika helped me improving my German language through daily communication,
She did pfannekuchen, introduce me german food from Bayern.
Aside from Language,
I experienced the most painful failure in my live,
I failed all my subjects in the first semester,
I felt despair and I know I had disappointed my mother,
It's like my world collapse in front of me.
I study very hard in the second semester,
more than 3 months,
I keep myself in room, study and writing my thesis.
The huge pressure, I felt myself in the worst condition.
I couldn't eat well, sleep well.
The time I'm having my examination I was just 42kg.
But the worst thing finally past,
For time being I passed one paper but left 3 more with pending results.
Although I still fail one paper, there is a great improvement and I knew I'm going to pass the next round.
Submitted my bachelor thesis,
I felt satisfied and after examination, I felt relief and alive!!
Seriously,
I looked for great food and starting to cook myself good food.
And now I'm back to normal.
You never believe even me,
I manage to be tough and independent more than I imagine.
I prepare and cook for daily meals,
I can cook rather more Chinese dishes now.
I can sew, iron my clothes well,
Clean my room and tidy my house,
I can manage to find cheaper room in Germany,
I worked part-time here,
first time earning Euros is just too great,
I shift myself into new house by my own,
carrying all the way by train and carry up to the 4th floor for 10 times!!!
Clean and paint my room in hostel before I return the keys,
Many and many on!
Solo trip and couch surfing,
16 days trains me into a better one,
I sincerely feel I'm now exploring the world with every path stepping to the countries.
I always reflect myself,
You have to be tough all the time because only you manage to help yourself.
First time getting sick in Germany,
the time is winter.
I vomited after drinking the black bean soup.
After vomit, I cry,
It is not because I feel not right, just because I need to clean up the toilet.
I totally homesick that time.
I miss my mother, miss the hot soup.
When you are sick, surely you will go to the doctor.
But you need to make an appointment in Germany!
I was blur lying in my bed for 3 days,
when it becomes better only I go to the doctor.
I swear not to get sick anymore.
I learned to live well with healthy diet and supplements.
I go through all difficulties I think within 2 years,
here challenges and obstacles coming,
And yet,
I'm waiting not to escape but facing and overcome it bravely.
I truly miss home,
Nevertheless, I told myself,
finish the bachelor, find a job
and
that's the time to go back home.
Proudly officially declare,
I'm graduate !!!

sleepless night : Insomnia in UKM

Its 4.06am in the morning, again and again,
being insomnia in UKM countless time,
the first night i never sleep in UKM,
rolling in the best for different position ,
Finally when it is 5.45 am
i give up my intention to sleep
instead i on my laptop and start to blog,
Tomorrow 9am i will be having lecture and mock test,
well,
i doent finish prepare it and i dnt really care
as my sleeping quality is totally being disrupted
The frustration feeling and the ill feeling make my migrain getting worst
I wanna sleep badly but it doent allow me...
Btw thanks for the person accompany me whenever i need help
Always wake me up in the morning although the person doent need to wake up at that time,
it feel warm,
really..
Thanks for being all this while,
Truly appreciate it very much,
few day back,
all of the sudden,
i discover the best word is not I need you,
The best word is the word is I will take care of you,
It sounds normal and simply but this is the most powerful words in word,
It touches deeply into the heart,
thank you,
alway be good to me,
but somehow,
it good for keeping it a distance
a security for prolong the relation,
Drowning into the water,
I let myself drown but  feel sick of it,
It leaves to the heart,
let it be what it wanna be
endless night....

recently

When you enter a deep deep depression mood,
whatever cant make u feel better but just feeling wanna escape,
away from all rumors and burden
away from all kind of mixed feeling
I need some fresh air to breath,
i need some space to keep calm
dont awake me
me never to be truth now,
adding on many disbelieve
adding up many impurities
i dont want to do anything
i dont feel to speak any word
till a person who i willingly to
many stresses of unknown
many fear to be hide
many words of frustration to be kept
deep inside my heart
Form a unhappy me
searching for a me
previous me
a happy me

The time of Being

Its 4.30 am in the morning,
The ever first time i wake up very early in this semester,
Lots of things to be happened and where there is pain and gain,
sometimes and somehow
she is lost
Lost in the stability of every single sense and yet emotion
Everyone thought she is forever silence and calm
no temper no fluctuation
But she just human being
she had exposed the most breakable part to a group a person just getting know roughly 1 year
It's not her normal behavior
She cant help
but sometime feeling wanted to excluded herself from the crowd,
away to everyone and left herself alone and alone,
She stressed but she didnt mentioned
She afraid what she studied now is it she can be managed?
Question marks getting more n more
Her confident getting less and less
She starts to doubt herself again again
Rumors make her getting worse in situation
She wanted to hide herself from none to zero
She is lost
She wonders can she be back?
Getting up or getting down is never a choice but is the sense of feeling
Sometimes she is in great emotion,
she feels hurt and this feeling continuously to getting bigger and bigger
till one day her hearts bleeds
And she cried silently in pain
Because her pride and dignity doesn't allow her to cry in front of people
but exception to the person she trusted
yet she is still in the way of searching
the long lost heart and soul  
sometimes she doesnt wanted to voice out
because she thinks it cant help much in it
She's afraid of hurting people
she keep silent but she works
end of the time
Worth is never a true answer
Her loneliness spread
She still thinks she is alone in the journey of life
Because she cant and dont love

the cycle of the night

The day turn dark... it's night again..
When day turn dark and the dark turns bright...
It is a continuous cycle where it cant be stop or fasten
u might think it is a cruel fact that u cant control
but yet u may feel the helpless of the human being
WHAT CAN WE DO?
That sounds be a good question...
But what can i do? Is a question or it is a sentence?
It need go be figure out by my ownselves...
An insonia night...
when the time im should be sleeping
But what am i do is im here,
continue my long time discarded blog..
when i finally finished my 2 semester which was the first year of my degree life,
And yet my results are out,
it seems not too bad,
still have about 3.71
but the problem is until now im still wondering what am i studying is the right for me
Sometimes i just feel unsecure and inconfirm about myself
Am i doing the right thing?
However i feel myself getting worse in differentiate the good and the bad
joining the buddhist club in the next semester
listening to many opinion
but yet i still joining
maybe it just is an excitment
A sudden mind that i accidentally go for agm a d be what i am now...
I always feel that im a double personality person
In deep myself i feel there is a 2 person pulling each other within myself
a very grey and despair and a happy me
and my emotion changes rapidly
like what im doing is a emo part of me,
emo for nothing
but i knew the confident lee wan ying is soon vanishing
left a none me behind
it just some expressation
Perhaps the night is too suitable for loneliness person,
the night....
The soundless but unhappy night..

Gute natch..

Part 2 of UKM life

The part 2 comes in a few second later after part 1,
Because i just have special feeling tonight,
The mood of writing blog,
It's was always been it,
I follows my heart to do whatever i wanted...

This time i will talk details about my coursemate,
introduce my roommate and com mate (hostel-mate)

My coursemate is always 4 of us,
A very very cool Lee Ji Wang,
where he is only 19 year old this year,
I need to call him dailou which i really not satisfy (kidding)
But he is a responsible but a naughty guy
as he like to tease others people in a serious manner,
he is just funny...
Next is our da gai jie,
she is from Muar, Johor names Tee Su Ching,
she is a STPM Student who is always good in communication,
a little bit forgetful and used to sleep A LOT...
haha, by the way thank you her for fetching me by her cute motorcycle to class everyday,
The last one is a cute sista Tan Yik Jia
She is 19 year old too
but she didnt sound matching with her true age
she is more likely to be a kido..
She has weird action - she likes to bite people, and I and her victim all the times
Anyway she is a good listener and a good learning partner
she is truly hardworking but don't stress too much ya!!

The First Birthday celebration with my dearest coursemate - Su Ching with all second years senior :)

The first Midterm exam in Dewan Kuliah at night - a picture before getting on the Static exam :)

A very early class in the lazy Friday, having the most boring class - Professionalism of Engineering
This lasting 2.5 Hours - Chilling before the class start :)

Besides them,
A group of first year engineering students come from department of :
- Electronic and electrical, Computering & Communication, Microelectronic ( JKEES)
- Chemical, Biochemical (KP)
- Mechanical (MB)
- Architecture

We are one family and always get involve in activites :)

The Engineering Faculty Girls for 1st Year of 2013/2014

Supporting the Pesta Tanglung organised by my hostel - KRK

The first year engineering faculty that went for a charity selling Carnival 

We are spiritual cool :)

Next it goes to my roommate -  Kelly Mah

She is a 20 year old girl comes from Air Tawar, Perak..

A cute and sometimes insane girl who loves Korean very much,

We can talk a lot and play a lot 

She is currently studying psychology course in UKM and she is 4 flat scholar in STPM :)

But she used to stress a lot, glad to have a cutie roommate,

The best actress of the comnight of KRK 2013/2014 

After that, let's introduce my next door neighbour - Wendy and Shi Qi

Both of them are just OMG cute and pretty...

Shi Qi and Kelly are born in the SAME year and SAME day!!! 

520!! 

haha 

They first time thought that they took the wrong matics card...

A very sweet sweet combination..

Wendy is a Actuarial Science girl from matriculation and the only 19th Girls in block E,

while Shi Qi is student having course in Food Science..

The 4 Block E girl 

From the left Winnie, WanYing, Wendy, Shiqi and Kelly

When the day passes,

I started to love the environment I'm situated now..

The harmony environment with a peaceful members around,

It lights up my 1st Year 1 Semester Memories in University..

I hopes beautiful life still goes on :)

Continuing shinning ans stunning :)

When the time i starting to enjoy my course,

the additional Germany language,

Sehr Gut !!!

Although i still weak in my static and dynamic but i hope i can catch up very very very soon..

When you start to enjoy and accept it 

and not keep asking why ad if to yourself

you will wonder

you start study every single thing in your life

It's all about process of learning,

Although your output is good or the bad,

But i still wondering why i will get into this pathway

Engineering- the civil engineering 

It is a doubt and question for me..

Never forget what my senior said to me :

It's a faith for me to come UKM,

The faith leading me to civil engineering,

The god had arrange for me,

Just let it be.

Undeniable, his words relieve me

A questionable heart....

AND stressful and worried heart..

I afraid I had chosen the wrong course for myself,

I afraid my ability to cope,

I starting to become lack of confidence,

Timid and tense up.

Rushing all the other's learning 

But yet i felt myself still a way from people's back,

Another cross-road for me now..

Another decision makers 

When i get many advice,

Encouragement words from my family, direct, seniors and course-mate..

It's just healing my body yet my soul is still confusing...

Until, one day my coursemate drag me to a big projects...

This is where i starting to grow back my confidence..

I still recall my friends saying,

They said I am a confident girl..

Everytime i just thinking : Is that I am??

Stay Tune...

The part 3 will be continue ...  

UKM part 1

Entering University approximately 3 months,
What i wanna to talk about is all regarding the activities and memories i cherished during these period.
Entering the university nearby my house,
The National University of Malaya (UKM)
the university that is 30 minutes from my house,
a place known as Bangi,
the small area next to my secondary school.
This is not the first choice that i choose but
I never choose for UKM
I chose UPM
Perhaps is faith,
the course i chosen never falls to me, instead i get Civil & Structural engineering..
Engineering, is the area I never thought of,
Especially civil engineering,
physic and all calculation,
Suddenly i lost my faith and confidence,
I become forceful and yet unhappy
Carrying all the expectation from my family,
I finally accept the offer and get into the second intake of UKM.
The university life isn't too bad for me,
The seniors are good and the coursemate of mine too...
For Chinese, I only have 3 coursemate which 2 girls and 1 boy..
It was a surprise for me as my course has majorities girls compare to boys..
It's actually a very minorities of boys
ratio boy to girl is 1:3
The week i entering my university,
I started to participate the pesta tanglung for my own college- KRK (college means hostel)

Next i started to join a series of activities :
It's followed by our faculty nights (Engineering Nights)
I was chosen as candidate which i need to perform with my partner- Ji Wang,
Started to face a lot of circumstances and problems
But the major problem comes from my heart which i do not dare to perform
I was timid and lack of confidence
But at last we did a great job although we did not get any prices but we truly enjoy it
Although it was a tiring experiences as we practiced until 4am in the morning

The 1st year to 4th Year Civil Engineering Members of 2013/2014

I feel that i'm a very lucky girl as i have the best seniors compare to other engineering department

They are Just good and awesome,

especially my direct seniors - Ng Chee Seng

A guy from Malacca, he is very helpful and patient,
He do help me a lot in my studies,
He teaches me if i have any question in my studies,
I really appreciate him as my direct senior,
as he not only pass his notes to me and help me during my sem 1 period,
He's is sometime childish but undeniable he is a good brother for me :)

Next is my second year seniors -
Ding feng dailou, Adeline da gajie, jit ming, pau lian and wai loon,
all of them are truly helpful, kind and friendly especially:
choong wai loon,
During in ukm, he gives me medicine to cure my cough,
and he is a caring and dedicate person,
he even open a tutorial class for all of us,
He is a talented person especially in drama :)

Nevertheless and a group of cute coursemate
Lee Ji Wang (my dailou)
Tee Su Ching (my dagajie)
And a youngest Tan Yik Jia from Sabah

We are a great team, and they are just Awesome!!!

We study, share information and take care of each other :)
The best coursemate ever...

My university life keep on going with a series of activities and
I had a twist turn of mindset during involving in one of the activities :)
Stay tune ...
The part 2 is coming ....